I did my 2 years ROTC in the corps, and went civilian. My brothers, however, did stints in the guard and reserve, and I've got other family and friends that have spent time in the military. Over time, they've told some pretty funny stories about situationally comical things that have occurred in wartime. I think it's an interesting topic.

My uncle's first big battle in the Corps was up near the DMZ during the Tet offensive in 1968. He was in heavy weapons, so he was basically carrying ammo for an M60 most of the time. He'd been told to leave many things back at the base when they went into the field. This resulted in him carrying two magazines for his M16 and one grenade. Long story short, they got heavily attacked, and he ended up in a hole by himself, and ran out of ammo fast. He basically sat there all night with the grenade in his hand, pin already pulled, listening to voices moving around him, hoping he wasn't spotted. He said they'd foudn him, his plan was to throw the grenade almost straight up and hope for the best. After that battle was over, he picked up every stray spare magazine he could lay his hands on, and he was a walking arsenal for the rest of his time there.

He also got told when he got there that there was a lot of stuff in his pack he didn't need in the field, but he said the corps gave it to him for a reason, so he kept most of it on him, despite the weight. One item was a gas mask. By chance, they got shelled with smoke and gas out in the field a few days later, and everyone else in his platoon was sucking it up, while he sat there with his mask on.

These things might not seem so funny, but to hear my uncle tell it, they were pretty funny after the fact.

Then there is a classic story from one of my buddies in Iraq. He was on the brigade net, it is dead silent in the evening, and someone out of the blue says: "Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad".

For a second it stays dead silent, then you can hear people laughing and chuckling on the net all over that sector of Iraq. Then someone in authority speaks up and tells them to keep the net clear.

On a mission over Laos I was listening to the conversations between a FAC and the fighter/bombers he was directing on a target. After a while someone interrupted by testing his mic by blowing into it. BTW, this is common practice. Obviously his mic was not plugged into the headset so he was not getting the expected feedback. “Phett (pause) Phett (pause) Phett” then finally a pilot with a very Texas drawl said “Well now that you’ve blown in my eah three times how ‘bout kissin’ me”

Afghanistan 2011- Massachusetts National Guard unit from Boston with fill-ins from Tennessee and Georgia talking on the truck channel. It was like listening to Good Fellas talk to Boomhower. Neither could understand the other. One the Georgians was named James Kuhn. He was a Driver on a mission and he kept telling the Gunner (from "Baston" with a very heavy Boston brouge) to check something. The gunner couldn't understand him nor could the TC or the other dismounts in the back with me. It went back and forth for several minutes and the "MFs" started to fly. I broke in and said in my best "Airplane" impersonation, "Pardon me, I speak Kuhn".

Not a war story per say as it wasn't in a combat environment.

In a holding area at night someone flipped the spaghetti cords and gave the net a hot mike. Not that this hot mike was the real issue. The real issue is that this particular vehicle had run his walkman through his j-box so his crew could listen to music. Yeah, Metallica was blasting on the net.

Everyone was going absolute ape sheet about this screaming HOT MIKE!!! HOT MIKE!!! The CO was screaming that "IF I CATCH YOU I AM NJPing YOUR ASS!!!!"

So this went on for about 20 minutes. Then the music stopped. After about a minute a voice came across the net. "This is 'Hot Mike' got some more great Rock and Roll coming to you live." He flipped the tape over and away it went again!

They never caught him. Secretly, I think the brass really didn't want to catch him as it was funny!

[This message has been edited by Say Chowdah (edited 5/13/2014 10:48a).]

Funny story from an exercise in Germany...

At a DFAC and one of my E-4s runs up saying there was a "star captain" here to talk to the CO.

I got up, walked to the front of the DFAC thinking that a German Officer was there. But... there was a Rabbi asking if I had any Jewish Soldiers.

Star Captain...

I've told this one before but if you've not read it, here it is:

When I was in Germany, I was stationed in Vilseck. Vilseck's motor pools open into Graffenwohr training area. Being our close proximity to the tank trails, we got extra time in certain training areas/gun ranges when they weren't in use. One of the training areas was named "Area Oscar". In Area Oscar, tank/vehicle crews would do battle drills, common task training, non live weapon training etc.

A tank from our unit had come off a range and was in Area Oscar doing AAR's, weapons checks etc. The Tank Commander (also the Platoon Leader) had the M1A1's TC's .50 cal not properly rodded upon exiting the range.

During a weapon check he fired a live M2 machine gun round out of his commander's gun into a civilian area. This created an immediate "OH SHEET" from the entire platoon/company. The company Master Gunner used his sextant to determine that the round landed in a farmer's field about 3 miles away.

As I said earlier, I'd been voluntold that I was going to be in PAC due to my ability to type.

I spent the rest of that day writing a letter from the Battalion CO to the Div CO explaining what happened that day. I am fairly certain that memo landed on the SECY of Defense's desk when he walked in his office and was later sent to the POTUS to make a call to the chancellor of Germany to talk about it.

Well, LT H. was reassigned from his Platoon Leader position to work in S-3 following the protracted investigation.

About a month later we'd gotten a call from Brigade asking us to pick up a Line of Duty investigation that needed to happen.

In the investigation it stated that an investigating officer needed to be assigned to this investigation.

I was with the Adjutant and said "well, I know who I'd assign to be the investigating officer." He said "probably the same person the XO already assigned!" I said "Lt. H?"

He said: "Yuuuup!"

[This message has been edited by Say Chowdah (edited 5/17/2014 9:08p).]

Friend wounded in Korea - got the Purple Heart - said "And I didn't even try !"

US military on manuevers in Germany in 1950's-60's would often drive Army vehicles through various rural villages and towns.

When Germans learned US Army "civilian damage assement follow-up teams" would pay hansomely for any animal or fowl losses (and the projected full life expected productive values of animal or fowl) you can guess what occured.

The rural German farmer found a gold mine in US Army maneuvers.

(An Army track vehicle runs over a pine tree seedling, German farmer was given projected value of a full grown tree.)

[This message has been edited by bebopag1 (edited 5/19/2014 10:45a).]

One extraordinarly dark night in south Baghdad I was on a patrol with an Iraqi Army platoon. We received some small arms fire, but since it was so dark (and south Baghdad is so dense) we couldn't really see where it was coming from (we had NODs, the Iraqis did not). So, we were kneeling behind one of the ubiquitous concrete barriers, trying to get some situational awareness. Periodically, one of us Americans would look out above the barrier to look through a starlight scope, etc trying to find the origin of the fire.

After about 30 minutes of this, I hear an AK being fired across the street, where a couple of Iraqis were huddled. I look over there to see an Iraqi private holding his rifle above his head, firing indiscriminately down the street while he remained hidden behind the barrier. I shout at him to knock it off, and ask wtf he's doing in broken Arabic. He tells me "blah, blah, blah, insh allah" - "I am fighting the enemy, and if god wills it, my bullets will find the enemy and kill him". I almost lose my **** when he opens fire without looking again. The only thing I can think to yell is "Get a ****ing sight picture! Look where you're shooting! Give god a hand!"