Two friends are out hiking in the deep woods when one of them needs to relieve himself. While crouched behind a bush, he is suddenly bitten on his junk by a rattlesnake.
He collapses in pain and screams for his friend. "I've been bit by a snake!" he yells. "Quick, call a doctor!"
His friend manages to get a signal on his cell phone and calls the local clinic. "Doctor, my friend was just bitten by a rattlesnake on his junk! What do I do?"
The doctor replies, "Okay, don't panic. You need to take a knife, make a small 'X' over the bite marks, and then suck the venom out. If you don't do this immediately, he's going to die."
The friend hangs up and runs back to his suffering buddy.
The bitten man, gasping for air, asks, "What did the doctor say? How can you save me?"
The friend looks at him for a long moment and says, "Doc says you're gonna die."

czechy91 said:

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Two friends are out hiking in the deep woods when one of them needs to relieve himself. While crouched behind a bush, he is suddenly bitten on his junk by a rattlesnake.
He collapses in pain and screams for his friend. "I've been bit by a snake!" he yells. "Quick, call a doctor!"
His friend manages to get a signal on his cell phone and calls the local clinic. "Doctor, my friend was just bitten by a rattlesnake on his junk! What do I do?"
The doctor replies, "Okay, don't panic. You need to take a knife, make a small 'X' over the bite marks, and then suck the venom out. If you don't do this immediately, he's going to die."
The friend hangs up and runs back to his suffering buddy.
The bitten man, gasping for air, asks, "What did the doctor say? How can you save me?"
The friend looks at him for a long moment and says, "Doc says you're gonna die."

---

Could have made this one better with the 2nd person being his wife.

My mom sent me this back in the day.



A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Jim? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Jim getting my daughter Susie pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Jim.

One more from the old email files.

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Style!"
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas , drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , then over to Houston and down to Brownsville .
They will then proceed through Mission , up to Del Rio , El Paso , Odessa , Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo .
From there, they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth.
Finally, back to Dallas .
Rules:
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers, which will read:

1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. " George Strait can't sing"
7. " Elect Hillary In 2016"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9.. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
10. "Al Franken Is My Hero"
11. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
12. "It's Bush's Fault"
13. "Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion"
And the last sticker is…
14. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Gotta throw in my favorite French jokes that take place outdoors…

Hey, I can get you a great deal on French rifles…they've never been fired and only been dropped once.


Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors? So they can see the front lines.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eyed deer.

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?

Still no eyed deer.

What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes, and no nuts?

Still no fkn eyed deer.

He's never seen anything like it before; the pig is just wandering around the farm, but with a well crafted wooden leg. His curiosity gets the better of him and he waves the farmer over.

"Sorry to bug you," the man says, "but I just have to ask, how did that pig end up with a wooden leg?"

The farmer laughs. "Well, that pig... he's mighty special. The pilot light in our oven malfunctioned in the middle of the night, and set the whole kitchen on fire. But that pig, he ran to the back door, kicked it in, ran through the fire and up the stairs, kicked open the door of my wife and I, and oinked furiously until we woke up. And before we could do anything, the pig ran to our infant daughter's room, dragged her out of her crib, and carried her safely on his back until all of us were well away from the house. That pig saved my entire family's life."
The man is amazed. "That's incredible! But, how does that explain the wooden leg?"

The farmer shakes his head. "Well, a pig THAT special, you don't eat all at once."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Two Aggies are out hunting in the woods, when one of them spots a deer and shoots. They rush over and find that he didn't shoot a deer, he accidentally shot another hunter. They decided that they had to drag this guy out of the woods and get him to the hospital.

A few hours after they get to the hospital, the doctor comes out, and says "Well, he probably would have survived if you hadn't field dressed him..."

Boudreaux and Thibideaux work together on a crew. Boudreaux says to Thibideaux "you know every day at 2:30 bossman comes by, looks around and says 'y'all keep up the good work now' and then we don't see him again. I reckon he's knocking off early. I say we wait till bout tree and skedaddle" Thibideaux agrees and sure enough 2:30 rolls around and the boss stops by, gives his approval and disappears. Shortly after Boudreax says "I'll see you in the mornin". Thibideaux heads home only to find a strange truck parked in his drive. As he approaches the house he notices the door is unlocked and hears passionate sounds coming from the bedroom. As he peaks around the bedroom door he sees the bossman in bed with his wife. The next day at work Boudreaux comes strutting up, full of himself and proclaims "hooh Thibedeauh we gonna have to do that again today! Wasn't that great?!" Angrily, Thibideaux snaps back "that's easy for you to say, I almost got caught!"

I love me a good Cajun joke. We had a group of repeat hunters from LA for 3-4 seasons. They loved drinking by the fire and telling jokes.



Boudreaux walks into his local bar and sits down next to his buddy Thibideaux.

T: Where you been? I ain't seen you in about a week.

B: I took my wife on one of them SCUBA diving trip over on Florida.

T: That sounds nice. Maybe you can answer a question I always had about them SCUBA divers. How come when they ready to go, they always be flipping backwards out of the boat?

B: That's easy you imbecile. If they flipped forward, they'd still be in the boat!!

Good one for the duck blind, and you can make it as elaborate as you want:

I was watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel about waterfowl migration patterns. A scientist studied a certain group of geese for years as they traveled from Canada down to Mexico and back. He made all sorts of discoveries about goose behavior and communication, and found that there is purpose to the way they form up and fly.

You know when you look up and see a "V" pattern of geese and one side is always longer than the other? You know why that is?

There are more geese on that side.

Not sure I can get away with my favorite boudreax and thibideaux joke here so I'll settle for another...
Boudreaux is walking by the cemetery and hears someone crying and wailing "why you die?!, why you die?!". To his surprise it's Thibedeaux. He says "hey thibideaux, I had no idea you suffered loss recently" Thinideaux through tears answers "Oh they been gone 10 long years...oh why you die, why you die". Boudreaux says "lordy thibideaux, who is this that you can't get over their passing?" Thinideaux sobs "my wife's first husband".

Boudreaux goes out fishing one day, and catches a mess of crappie. He puts them all in a big 50 gallon barrel full of water to keep them alive on the 2 hour drive home through backwoods dirt roads.

On his way home, the game warden stops him, seeing the barrel in the back of the truck and knowing that Boudreaux never buys a fishing license.

Ranger is ready to really hand it to Boudreaux, telling him he is going to take all his fish, his fishing equipment, and his truck for catching so many fish without a license.

Boudreaux says: I didn't catch these fish, these are my pet fish. I take them out to the pond once a week, let them swim around, and then I call them back in, and they jump back into the bucket.

The old crusty Louisiana just knew Boudreaux was lying: Your full of it Boudreaux! You are going to have to prove it to me, and if you are lying, I'm gonna throw you in jail, too!

Boudreaux says, alrighty, lets go down to that pond right over there!

So Boudreaux backs down to the pond, drops the tailgate, and pours all of the fish into the pond saying: got get some exercise and c'mon back!!

The game warden and Boudreaux sit there for a few minutes, and Boudreaux starts up a conversation about LSU football. After about 20 minutes, the Game Warden finally speaks up:

GW: Well Boudreaux, aren't you gonna call them back like you said you were?
Boudreaux: Call who back?
GW: Your pet fish?
Boudreaux: What fish?

Who won the first Tour de France?
4th Panzer Division

Why are all of the roads in France lined with trees?
The German Army like to march in the shade.