All, I appreciate any help you can give either with suggestions and/or personal experiences, etc. My oldest daughter (21) called us last night and shared some news that really took both my wife and I by surprise. My youngest daughter (14) contacted her oldest sister to share and get some help with something she knew but did not want to betray the trust of her older sister (16) and divulge to us. In short, my middle daughter has been purging now for the better part of the last year or so. We have witnessed over the last several months a change in her behavior. She's been really stand-offish. Typically, she will not eat with the family. She'll go out on late long walks by herself. Often, she'll make herself cookies and/or something sweet and will polish it off after a day or two. Some of this we simply attributed to a sweet tooth. She's tall at about 5'10 and very slim so we never saw anything that would alert us to a potential eating disorder because, outside of some sweets, is a relatively small eater.

We're beside ourselves right now with sadness not only because she's struggling with this, but because her own internal torment led her down a path of thinking she's fat. We simply were not aware. In raising our daughters, we've never made it a point to call out physical attributes and place importance on them. We never led them down a path to thinking that those things are important. We've emphasized achievement over physical attributes as a source of pride, etc. This is simply baffling to us. All of my daughters are wonderful and beautiful young ladies. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that one of my children would struggle with this, but here we are.

Any of you fathers out there have experience in dealing with this? I'm trying to fight the temptation to apply logic in our discussion with her because I don't believe she's thinking rationally anymore, nor do I think that any appeal to logic will have much effect. I've seen anorexics that are walking skeletons that still thought they were fat.

Any resources you'd recommend or help as far as the conversation we intend to have with her tonight are much appreciated, as are prayers if you believe. Thank you.

First of all, your daughter, you, and your family are going to be in my prayers. I can only imagine the pain y'all are experiencing.

I am not a father, but I have some direct experience with disordered eating through a couple of friendships over the years. While I can't say this for sure, my experience is that things like this run deeper than body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia is very real, and it is often the focus of disordered eating. However, there is often underlying insecurities, fears, and other similar things that are manifesting as body dysmorphia, which is then manifesting as disordered eating.

You are right to view this through the lens of how y'all have talked to your daughters and hopefully modeled behavior. But I would encourage you to take a more holistic view than that and to have the conversation from the perspective of the entire wellbeing of your daughter and not only body image and disordered eating.

I have personal experience with a friend where the view on disordered eating was too focused on body image without a focus on the more underlying (and frankly hard to get to) things. I'm careful to place blame in that as my friend was not forthcoming about the underlying things for quite a while, but others around her weren't asking the questions to get her there, either. She ended up on a rollercoaster with the disordered eating for some time but is thankfully on a much better path now.

It may take a number of conversations and may well require professional consultation, but I would really encourage you to be patient and do everything you can to open lines of communication with your daughter (please don't take that as me saying they aren't open now, I just don't know how else to say it). You likely have a very hurt person on your hands right now, and your goal should be to help her with all the hurt, including the obvious disordered eating and the currently hidden and unknown struggles.

Hang in there for your daughter and your family unit. You have the ability to be the exact leader, husband/father, friend, and support they need right now.

We have experienced this with our daughter in law. Highly recommend contacting her pediatrician about this as soon as you can so it can be addressed medically as well as emotionally and so you can be referred to appropriate resources. Body dysmorphia is the real deal and it is very complicated. It is also a "lying" disease and they become very good at hiding it. Good for your other two daughters for knowing their sister needs help.

My twin sister had an eating disorder. Purge, then binge, the purge. Started around 17 and went through to about 23-24. She went to many different places but this is where she ultimately settled and gained a path to recovery.

https://www.saintfrancis.com/laureate/eating-disorders-program?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22402069177&gbraid=0AAAAA_ODMO6sCWbA1rGbHANBwkqeCeANI&gclid=Cj0KCQjwjdTCBhCLARIsAEu8bpJ2skxHelwbJveKlsifSt8dz2ZJ6E0juZGovh5AND3G-HxKvj1ajI8aAmawEALw_wcB

I am sorry, post like these hurt. I feel for you and you and your family will be in my prayers. My daughter who is much older went through some things when she was around that age.

Some of what I write below, my wife and I got right, some of it we could have done better, and some are lessons learned because we were oblivious or screwed up.

I see someone is referring you to a specialist that's awesome. Don't freakout of she doesn't want to go, especially in these early stages.

You and your wife are the most important people and responsible for her but probably not the most influential. I know this is not news to you but think about it a little deeper. Then try to suppress any frustration you may experience in the process. Its going to come through, that's fine, just clip the big stuff.

Make sure to let your daughter know you do not have all the answers, that you love her, and you will be fighting for her no matter what, even if she tells you to butt out. Tell her that the best part of being her dad is getting to fight for her. You will have to find your line of where you want to push but even if you step back and give her space, let her know you are still fighting for her and trying to find her help.

Use the part where you admit you do not have all the answers to gain input from her. If you get a lot of "I don't' know" responses just roll with it and keep moving. There will be time later.

Teenagers have the ability to simultaneously believe that their parents know everything and are also complete idiots who do not know how the world works or what its like to be in their shoes. While this is funny joking around with other parents its something to think about in a crisis. Even if they disobey, argue with you, or don't seem to engage, they may still believe you have (or are) the solution to their problem. Even if they say they hate you or don't want to be around you. Its hard to explain until you experience it then you don't get it until the crisis is over. Its ok to be vulnerable and at the same time show you are not giving up.

It is awesome that she reached out to your oldest AND your oldest contacted you and your wife. That is a good sign. It also highlights my previous paragraphs. Something you may have to weigh. Maybe meet all together then let your oldest take a bit of a lead if she doesn't want to talk or go in depth with you or your wife; and also isn't keen on counseling. While it isn't all that fair to your oldest; its what family has to do sometimes. If things aren't going the way you want it to go in a family conversation; step out and make a quick HEB run or grab a coffee with your wife and let the sisters talk in private, without your input (it's a scary thought).

It is much easier to write in this post than it is as a dad to take my own advice on some of this. Especially when it comes to stepping back a little. Its about her getting on a pathway to healing, not about who leads the operation.

I have a good feeling about this. It is not an instant fix and will take a while for her to heal. As I read your post; I could see there are positive pieces in place for your daughter to heal and overcome this. Years from now she will have grit because she had to overcome this.

#1 you recognize this is out of your element and are fighting for your daughter. Using any resource, you can to help her

#2 You youngest reached out to the oldest, AND your oldest contacted you. It sounds like you have raised a great family. Don't take it as a knock that your 14 year old doesn't go to you first with their issues. Find comfort that she has recognized she needs help and/or has a problem. Find absolute joy that she reached out to her sister versus another teenager or someone online.

That is insight into what she will do in a crisis, and when she was in crisis; she sought out family, versus a million other things that are bad news.

Keep up the good fight and let her know you are not perfect and also that you will never give up on her.

Hang in there.

All thank you very much for the responses. We sat down with her on Friday evening. I started out asking her if she was happy because it did not seem so to us. She immediately broke down in tears. After several requests to get her to share what was going on, I told her we were aware of this particular struggle. We had a good chat just her and I. Interestingly, she preferred to talk with me and my wife left the room so she could talk. My wife has a wonderful relationship with our daughters but when it comes to things like this, they usually prefer to speak with me.

She does have body dysmorphia. We're not just guessing here. She feels she's too fat. She quit the cross country team because she felt too fat in her uniform. She's about 5'10 and weighs about 143 lbs. while she doesn't look skinny, under no body's definition is she fat, except hers.

We will seek outside help but really have no idea where to start. I wonder if depression is an issue. She really does not have too many close friends and I know she feels lonely. I think she's attributed this fact to her weight. It's been a rough few days for us because more than anything, we want our kids to be happy. She's not been happy and has struggled with these thoughts now since the sixth grade. She does a remarkable job of hiding it and has excelled in school despite these struggles in the background.

Eating disorders are rare but very challenging and dangerous. I would go the experts right away.

Adolescent Medicine Eating Disorders Program | Texas Children's

Prayers to you and your daughter, very challenging condition to deal with.

I would also suggest therapy for you and your wife as you navigate this situation. This would provide you a place to process your feelings about your daughter, etc, as well as explore things that you've mentioned above (she wants to talk to you about it not your wife, focus on accomplishments, wanting your children to be happy, etc). I would also try to refocus on this being a medical issue versus a choice your daughter has made. Its not about rational/not. While I dont have experience with body dys, I did just walk through a serious mental health situation with a close family member (and im also a parent) and there were some things family members were saying or doing that was contributing to the issue without realizing it. Will be thinking of you.

I think this is best left to professionals and family. I'm sure you're coming from a good place but I think that's a risky and ill advised route.