Alright, let's change things up. My wife and I of 12 years started seeing a therapist, we've had 2 sessions. The root problem is lack of intimacy on my part (which I fully take ownership of) and the details are not important nor why I'm posting this.

What I have noticed in these 2 sessions so far, once a week, is leading up to them my wife seems "ok" and less closed off, embraces me, etc., but then after the sessions she goes back to staring off, closed off for a day or two. It feels like after the session we have taken, there are few steps back. Is this common at the beginning since things are still being explored and discussed, old wounds coming out, and hopefully future sessions create a more uplifting tone? I was actually looking forward to the first two sessions so we could work on things, but now I am dreading the third and what my wife's reaction will be after.

Just speaking from personal experience - going to therapy, no matter what the reason, can be a traumatic experience. At least initially. Talking to someone who is essentially a stranger about your problems, some of which you might never have verbalized to anyone, is very hard. I can remember being absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausted after talking to my therapist.

I would say that over time, this got better, especially as my therapist and I got to know each other and she validated some of my feelings and actions. However, a good therapist should also call out your flaws (as well as provide feedback on how to overcome them and make amends with anyone you've hurt). This too can be very challenging and put someone on the defensive, at least for a while.

It's hard to feel close to someone when 1) maybe their less than flattering traits are being examined and 2) you are forced to examine your own shortcomings.

Therapy sort of forces you to "be in your own head", which is both selfish and isolating. By necessity, you have to spend time outside of the session thinking about everything that's been discussed and how you want to make progress. It's not like you can just flip a switch when the session is over.

TXTransplant said:

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However, a good therapist should also call out your flaws (as well as provide feedback on how to overcome them and make amends with anyone you've hurt). This too can be very challenging and put someone on the defensive, at least for a while.

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That's one thing I am currently having issues with. Not with talking about my flaws but essentially putting everything on me and not pointing out how any flaws of my wife could be a contributing factor. I am chalking it up to the therapist attacking the main issue and focusing on me but eventually also peeling back my wife's flaws and how to overcome them.

I'm not pushing back and just listening and working on one major thing, just listening and not getting defensive and formulating a response when my wife is still talking (since at that point you aren't listening and just mounting a defense). BOY IS THAT HARD!!

It is incredibly hard. I would expect your therapist to eventually start talking about your wife's role in the situation. If your wife has recognized this is bound to happen, she might also be a bit scared/on the defensive already, in anticipation of it happening. Your wife may also be recognizing herself how she could have contributed, even if it hasn't been verbalized in a therapy session, yet.

It's a lot. It's not fun. For me personally, I find it helps to remind myself that at the heart of it is a love and respect for each other. You wouldn't be in therapy if you didn't have that for each other and your marriage.

Are y'all doing individual sessions, too? I've only done individual therapy, but I think if I did couples, I would insist we each have our own individual sessions, too.

Right now they are joint sessions. I'm in a state of listening to the therapist and her recommendations and focusing on those. If she does recommend, then we will, and if she doesn't after a while, I'll ask if we should.

Username checks out

some good advise on here.

The trauma piece of therapy is a real thing. I think some it causes old injuries to come up and they don't know how to deal with it personally or accept some ownership. Good therapist can hopefully identify and it and label it.

I am a big jocko fan and extreme ownership book was great for me to listen to the feedback and just focus on what I can do to make my marriage better. I didn't focus on what she could do but pray that she was open to feedback.

Me too, about Jocko.

It's a lot easier to change want I need to because I can make that change to myself and cannot change another person (and only hope they recognize it and perhaps make a change themselves). I don't want to waste calories saying "ok, but" or "yea, however" and to just take ownership and make the changes. It doesn't mean being a doormat. You can voice that you hear and understand what she's saying and then perhaps explain why you thought/did things a certain way or explain where there may have been a confusion/miscommunication.

My wife stated something last session which she entirely misinterpreted but has been a sticking point to her. I just listened and didn't respond and giving myself the week to absorb it and see if it needs to be brought up at the next session in an understanding and calm way.

YOU BETCHA